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Dave Whelan

Dave Whelan

How remiss of me

to assume you’d heard. I once

broke my fibula

Andrés Iniesta

Andrés Iniesta

Tchaikovsky in boots

Metronomic elegance

Leather artisan

Kolo Touré

Kolo Touré

Some-time centre-half

“You sure that’s nurofen love?”

Weightwatchers recruit

Pascal Cygan

Pascal Cygan

Cygan, with his head

like a varnished testicle,

is crap at footy

Lionel Messi

Lionel Messi

Més que un hombre

Idol of stupefied crowds

Golden boot suitor

Harry Redknapp

Harry Redknapp

From tax and the drop

Practiced escapologist

Tabloid Houdini

Neymar

Neymar

Nurtured through futsal

Bedazzlement in neon

Still a shite haircut

Rio Ferdinand

Rio Ferdinand

As in the city

Friends with Corden. Top banter

Nando’s regular

Ian Holloway

Ian Holloway

Rent-a-quote nutcase

or so he’d have us believe

Wholly punchable

Brendan Rodgers

Brendan Rodgers

Confucius meets Brent

False fours, inverted wingers

Don’t teach, educate

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